At some point while working full time as a hospitalist doctor nearly two decades ago, I began to feel thin. I remember standing outside leaving a meeting at the home of one of the other doctors. The day was sunny and warm, just before the start of the really hot summer in Florida. The heat and humidity had sent everyone indoors. The neighborhood streets were empty and quiet. I smiled at the sunshine and the warm breeze rustling the palm trees with a sudden appreciation of the quiet beauty surrounding me.
As the wind brushed passed me, I felt thin–not the kind of physical skinny thin, but the kind of thin where there was so much space between my molecules. I did not feel solid–as if there was very little holding me together; the gentle breeze blew right through me as if I were just a window screen; a stronger gust and I might scatter and disappear into the four directions. I felt energetically thin.
In the quiet recesses of my mind, I made a resolution to change. I felt that I would keep getting thinner and thinner, energetically disappearing, and physically on the verge of some illness that I could not name. I was telling myself a story that had trapped me in a place where I was slowly and steadily burning out.
What’s the story that I was telling myself?
As a storytelling performance artist, the stories that I perform for an audience start as seeds. I grow these seeds into full fledged trees with blossoms, flowers, and fruit. The stories that I perform are the fruit of the story seeds. In order to get the fruit, I have to “work” the story and “grow” the story. In performance, a story is a structure that allows you enter into an experience with a beginning, a middle, and an end. You leave the story with a new experience that you can take into the context of your life and find what it means to you. In performance, I give the gift of the fruits that I have harvested in my life.
However, in the work of personal growth required for these story seeds to grow, the term “story” often refers instead to a “limiting belief.” In this sense, the “story” is simply the seed. Those limiting beliefs are the seeds that we create whole narratives around–the stories of what we should or should not, can or cannot, would or would not ever, never, always do. These underlying “stories” or “seeds” or “limiting beliefs” often drive us unconsciously, such as when I was driving myself into burnout as a hospitalist doctor. It was not just the profession, not the job, not other people… the list of blame can go on, and sometimes these things do need to change; but mainly it was my attitude that limited me.
I began the search for the messages in my head, the limiting beliefs, the story seeds that were driving me to this thin place, one step from unraveling, two steps from falling apart. “Sacrifice is always good.” Is this true? even when I feel so drained? “Give it your all; dedicate yourself to your work; it will all pay off in the end.” I was pouring myself into my work, but leaving little energy for the rest of my life. The balance was off. I was burning out. “My worthiness depends on working hard.” Why was I making my life hard? “Good things come only from hard work.” What about the things that are fun and easy? Can life happen with grace and ease?…
I continued to ask myself questions… I dropped into the feeling sense of my body… What did this thinness have to tell me?…
What is a new story that I could tell myself?
My worth is not measured by the sacrifices that I make or how hard I work. There is more to life than work. I started to build a narrative around this.
Sometimes you change everything outside of you so that something inside will shift. Exercise, healthy eating habits, not skipping meals, meditation–I began to take care of myself with a new attitude that I was worth pouring energy into. I poured energy into myself… and I began to have more energy to pour into others…
I opened my own medical office, quit full-time hospital work, and slowed the pace of life. This helped until the work habit came back full force. Owning your own business can be stressful, I poured myself into a different kind of work. The old story seeds started to grow again. Until I came to another thin place, and I looked for other story seeds to nourish.
Along the way, I found a passion for the art of spoken stories as a performance art and a healing art. I learned to grow my seed stories into full trees, and then I learned to get them to blossom, and then to flower and fruit. Those fruits are the stories that I tell. I pass on the healing seeds through storytelling, and I hope that the seeds take root and heal others.
What are the new story seeds that you are looking to grow?
Every January (and sometimes more often), I work with the process of reflection on the story that I am living. I find the stories that no longer serve me. I honor them for bringing me this far, and I release them. In the process of renewal, I find new seeds to grow into stories that will help me move in a life-giving direction.
Transforming My Life Story
I nurture new story seeds that give me a sense of solidity. I find a passion for life that holds me together and moves me forward on this soul’s journey into living this present moment with more joy, health, and wellness.
Find your own “story seed” process this coming new year or join me in this online interactive workshop to transform your life story.
Release and Renewal New Year Retreat: Transforming Your Life Story
Jan 5 – 7, 2024. Live on Zoom.
A three-day journey into yourself from the comfort of your own home with Suzanne Scurlock and Dr. Joel Ying. We gather as a community, take breaks on the hour, and enter the sacred space of ceremony to release the old stories and renew the stories that will take you on a healing journey. Learn the presence process of grounding and filling, embody your six wisdom areas, transform your life story, uncover the prayer and blessing that will take you into the new year, take the action steps to manifest your dreams for the coming year….
Register before Dec 1st and Save $100. CODE: RR100
