“There is one thing that all of us are going to experience, and that is death,” wrote my friend, Kate McKinnon, in her recent newsletter, “Most people, including myself, find this an uncomfortable thought, with good reason. However, there is a growing movement of people meeting to talk about death and break through the taboo and discomfort of exploring what is important to us at the end of life.”
Kate’s newsletter reminded me about an undergraduate humanities course that I developed a few years ago called, “Storytelling in Medicine.” One of my assignments asked the students to select and interview an elder, uncover their life story, and ask them about their views on life and death. I gave them a script of questions to ask that began with the easy questions on their life story. After building rapport, the final questions asked about their first experience with death, then on their views on life and death. As important interview skills, the students were instructed to give pause for thought, wait for the response, and most importantly listen to where the question takes them and explore any tangent that seems interesting. The final wrap up question asked the elders for 3 pieces of life advice that they would like to pass on to the next generation.
After the interview, the students presented the life story of the elder in 10 minutes or less to the entire class. It was a challenge, and many went longer. The room was filled with the stories and wisdom of the elders, but also with a sense of something profound. The conversations of death and dying had been invited into the room with an academic setting, but there was a peacefulness to the conversations. One of the 19-year old students reflected afterwards, “I don’t usually talk about death. Somehow, I don’t feel as afraid anymore.”
I was reminded of my students as Kate’s writing continues to talk about two incongruous words: Death Cafés!
Earlier this year, I met a special person who facilitates Death Cafés and, in May, hosted my first one. There were twelve of us who gathered in a circle in my backyard. Listening to each person share what was on their mind about death, and each of us having a different perspective, created a deep sense of connection among us. Some of what was talked about was fear of dying, funeral planning, grief, the meaning of life, near-death experiences, and cultural or religious views on death. There is no agenda, so the group created its own experience. The afternoon was one of the most special gatherings I have participated in.
Tea and cakes are non-negotiable in the Death Café model, since it was created by fellow Brit Jon Underwood in London in 2011. British people always have tea and cake at any kind of meeting, especially when there is emotional content! He was inspired by the work of Swiss sociologist, Bernard Crettaz, who believed that death had become a taboo subject in modern Western society and wanted to create informal spaces where people could discuss it openly, away from clinical or religious settings. Underwood held the first English-language Death Café in his home in Hackney, London, in September 2011.
Perhaps you are interested in hosting a Death Cafe near you. Dispelling the taboo and talking about death can move us beyond fear and into a place of acceptance. This can change how we live our life and how we connect to each other. To repeat the words of my student, “I don’t feel as afraid anymore.”
References
- DeathCafe.com – Learn more about hosting your own Death Cafe.
- Kate McKinnon, Craniosacral Therapist, publishes a regularly e-newsletter, “Collaborative Navigation of your Health and Wellness.” Contact her if you are in the San Francisco Bay area.