“People act strange around death. There are those who talk about everything but the person who died. Those who talk about only the person who died. Those who try to cheer you up. And those who can’t help but make you cry. And then there are those who say nothing at all because they don’t have to.”
—quote from movie: Mr. Church
There is no path through this life that can avoid death or bypass heartbreak. The Buddha named suffering as the first of the Noble Truths. And yet, “people act strange around death.” We rarely talk about it. Perhaps it is the childish delusion that if we do not talk about it, then it does not exist. In not talking about it, we leave ourselves unprepared and do not provide the deepest antidote of presence and connection to carry each other through. Yet it persists, and we must survive the fall out. We must each inevitably navigate through the process of grief and loss, heartbreak and separation, failure and the dashing of hopes and dreams.
Surviving Loss
How do we survive the trauma of loss? Today, there is a lot of talk about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), almost as an inevitable aftermath of trauma. We have taken this diagnosis that previously referred only to “shell-shocked” war veterans triggered by everyday events into flashbacks that trap them in traumatic past memories, and now we have applied it to other traumas where everyday events trigger out of proportion reactions like panic or anxiety attacks. We focus on defining the disorder in the hopes that understanding will bring control, but we have little language for the territory that we must traverse to survive, move past, and thrive after traumatic events. The diagnosis of PTSD becomes the permanent label, an inescapable fact of our existence. Yet, people have worked their way through grief and tragedy as long as there have been people.
Option B
How do we find the resilience to make it through a tragic loss? Where does that strength come from to grow from grief? How do we reach Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG)? How do we change from a stagnant diagnosis of PTSD to a dynamic process of growth and change?
When Option A is no longer available (in Sheryl’s case, bringing her husband David back to life), how do you make the most of Option B?
In some way, all our lives will fall short of our expectations of perfection (Option A), and we must all face Option B.
Resilience
The first shift is defining resilience NOT as something that you have (or don’t have), but as something that you BUILD.
“Resilience is the strength and speed of our response to adversity, and we can build it. It isn’t about having a backbone. It’s about strengthening the muscles around our backbone.”
Through her personal story and the unfolding process of her own grief, Sheryl Sandberg presents the tools that helped her to build resilience. She describes how she faced what Martin Seligman calls the 3 P’s that stunt recovery from negative events.
- Personalization: “It’s all my fault.”
- Pervasiveness: “My whole life is ruined.”
- Permanence: “This pain will never go away.”
“This book is about the capacity of the human spirit to persevere.”
Sheryl Sandberg begins with the story of her husband’s death and how she faced this adversity. She describes the tools that helped her to build resilience. She talks about the research of her friend and psychologist Adam Grant, as well as personal anecdotes. One of the tools mentioned is gratitude which came with Adam’s surprising advice, “Imagine how it could have been worse.” The initial reaction is “How could this possibly be any worse?” While this tool needs to come at the right stage of the grief process, it does open the door to gratitude. She then describes her process of overcoming the guilt of moving on and reclaiming joy for herself and her kids.
“People act strange around death.”
How can we support others through grief and tragedy? This book also describes the things that were helpful and the things that were not. Tragedy awakens the wisdom of compassion and understanding. This book hopes to pass along some of that wisdom of how we can maintain connection and support those suffering through loss. Providing a community of support, the authors also launched the website OptionB.org, where stories can be shared.
Check out the book “Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy“, the website, and the deeply authentic and vulnerable interview below.
Listen to the Interview
Listen to Krista Tippett’s Interview (On Being, April 24, 2007):
“Resilience After Unimaginable Loss” with Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant.