Why do some groups seem to thrive with conflict while other fall apart?
If you are like me and occasionally suffer from being too agreeable, then all conflict is bad. I fearfully shrink away from argument and think that the situation will self-destruct. They will think I’m a terrible person.
Task Conflict vs. Relationship Conflict
Adam Grant identifies two types of conflict: Task Conflict and Relationship Conflict.
Task conflict is debating different opinions and perspectives. This often leads to discussion and brainstorming. The Wright brothers were famous for their heated arguments, one of which led to the first flying machine.
Relationship conflict has emotional stakes, and things get personal. Instead of two opposing views or opinions, two opposing personalities go to war. This is a battle of ego.
Problems occur when any challenge to our views are seen as threats to our ego. All conflict becomes relationship conflict. This shuts down any productive debate that might occur in task conflict.
“We think it is the message that matters, but so often whether someone is willing to hear a message depends on who is saying it, why it is being said, how it is being delivered.”
~ Adam Grant
How do you respond to conflict?
Preacher Mode: Do you defend your beliefs as sacred? Refusing to admit that you are wrong, even when it is clear that you are?
Prosecutor Mode: Do you tear apart the other person’s ideas? Attacking until nothing is left?
Politician Mode: Do you struggle for approval rather than finding the truth?
Think Again
Instead, Adam Grant asks how can we engage Curiosity Mode when we are challenged and “Think Again” (the title of his book). How can we create the safe space for task conflict and limit relationship conflict? How can we create the safe space for debates?
Ideas do not get voiced when we know the other person always launches into attack or defend mode. If the other person just agrees with everything you say, new ideas cannot come forward.
Conflict and challenge are often the seed for creative new ideas. However, when emotions run high, that same conflict and challenge becomes the splinter that fractures a relationship and shuts down collaboration and creative solutions.
As a storyteller, I have become an expert story-listener. I engage my curiosity to understand while still reserving the option to disagree. I’ve gotten some great story ideas by actively listening with curiosity mode.
Are you willing to “Think Again”?
On the podcast, Hidden Brain, Shankar Vedantam uses science and storytelling to reveal the unconscious patterns that drive human behavior, shape our choices and direct our relationships.
Listen to the interview of Adam Grant, author of Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know
Read the book
