Poem: I dreamed my grandmother

I dreamed my grandmother

She was glamorous. Red lipstick. Her favorite earrings, gold triangles

Short cropped China black hair
Perched sensuously on a high stool, legs crossed

And 10 pounds lighter
But it was her spirit that was lighter
She shrugged off the weight of the world
Pulled back her shoulders
Opened her chest
Held her head high in a way that says
I own this world.
And it does not own me

I OWN this world

And it does not own me

She was light and free
Her eyes were mischievous in a way that I remember, but 10 times more wild.
Her heart open and free in a way that I had never seen
She was wild and free
She was a crazy voodoo mama
The world was hers
It washed thru her
And she commanded it

Nothing held her back now.

I sat at her knees
Looked up into those wild eyes

Sadness washed thru my bones

Sadness welled up in my eyes

“Grandma, I am so sad.”

She looked at me, into the sadness
“I understand,”
said her heart through her eyes
And she held me

My head falling into her lap
My sadness, her sadness

Her sadness, my sadness

The only thing that mattered in that moment

She understands…

I awoke to the heavy sadness

Of so many things.

In this waking world,

her dementia has taken her mind from me.

I can no longer share with her in words.

I share sadness with her in a different way.

And in dreamtime, I hear the message,

she understands…

And some peace fills the gap of loss.

She understands…

~ Poem: “I dreamed my grandmother” by Joel Ying, © 2013

In May 2013, a dream inspired this poem.

In the United States, an estimated 5.2 million people are affected by dementia, and that number is projected to rise. On average, every 68 seconds, a new case is diagnosed. Worldwide, dementia afflicted 35.6 million people in 2010.

Dementia is a syndrome of mental decline with loss of memory and other thinking skills. The most common cause is Alzheimer’s Disease accounting for more than half the cases. The second most common is Vascular Dementia resulting from cerebrovascular accident (commonly called “stroke”). The brain impairment is often progressive leading to impairment of activities of daily living. The mental decline leads to eventual physical decline as the mind no longer takes care of the body. The steadily increasing demands on the caregiver can lead to burnout, and sometimes the level of care requires a nursing facility. Support groups often help with coping, counseling, respite, and other resources.

One of those suffering with dementia was my grandmother who died in 2014. She left us slowly over many years as her mind faded in the struggle with dementia. On each visit, I wondered, “Would she remember me?” When the mind cannot keep the emotions in check, impulsiveness increases and the personality can change. “Would she be herself?” “What is the self?” When the mind no longer takes care of the body, self-care and other activities of daily living become a challenge.

She eventually required a full-time care-giver. Her physical body began to decline. Bed sores and pneumonia progressively sapping the vitality from her bones. She became thinner and thinner, bedridden. Memory loss progressed. “Is she still in there?” When her spirit finally lifted off and left her body behind, the entire family struggled with the loss that had begun so many years earlier and the comfort that the suffering had come to an end.

Her memory continues to inspire me, and I share that inspiration with others. She was a strong woman of faith that kept our family together. She came to visit me in a dream in 2013 while she was still alive, and I share that gift of her visit through this poem. On the level of spirit, a connection beyond words, dream-time, life-time, forever-time, we share an understanding that gives me peace.

— Prayers and Blessings to all those with loved ones struggling with dementia.